Above: Vegan pizza. Ew! Gross! Wait, what?
In college, every single club uses free food as a bribe to get people to come to their meetings. This means that the average omni college students will frequently find him or herself at a meeting of, say, Italian Club or Geography Club just because he or she saw a flier that said “Club meeting! Free pizza!” even though he or she doesn’t actually know any Italian and Geography Club sounds like the most boring thing ever. I guess all this free food is convenient, because sometimes when you’re in college you really want something that didn’t come from the cafeteria but all you have is a quarter and some pocket lint and bottle caps. However, I like to think of my veganism as sort of a super power in cases like these– I can resist Geography Club meetings with no effort at all. Is it really worth sitting through that for one slice of greasy pizza anyway? Maybe you could just grab the pizza and run but I went to school in the Midwest and everyone is too polite there.
But not eating normal pizza can also get really awkward. People are always mystified by the girl who doesn’t want a slice, especially when it’s free, because what kind of person turns down free food? At my old job (phonathon, woo) we used to get pizza sometimes because sometimes we had to work when the cafeteria was open for dinner, but of course, I had to figure out something else to eat.
Of course, people could just get one cheeseless pizza, provided that they ensured that the crust was vegan first. But omnis are so skeptical of pizza without cheese. Numerous people have told me that they think cheeseless pizza sounds gross, and they can’t possibly imagine a non-vegan eating it. In high school we used to order pizzas for editor meetings for the newspaper, and there were two vegans on staff (my awesome friend Kate and I). Once this girl Lacey said that it just didn’t make sense to get a whole vegan pizza when only two of us would eat it, like there was something stopping other people from eating it, and also, I’m your fucking editor-in-chief, don’t talk back to me. I don’t get it. First, ask any Italian what they think. Italy is awesome because cheeseless pizza is just something that is already on the menu. When I was in Italy (for all of two hours) I opted for the pasta but I could have just ordered pizza, and not had to explain that I didn’t want cheese, which was good because the waiter and I did not have any common languages. Second, ok, it’s bread, tomato sauce (or other sauce if you’re feeling creative), and, uh, whatever you want. That sounds pretty good to me. The pizza at the top of the entry had potato, red onion, olives, sundried tomatoes, garlic and roasted red peppers and it was unbelievably awesome. I also think that pizza is one of the only acceptable uses for Follow Your Heart cheese. Here is a tiny bad picture of a misshapen yet delicious pizza covered with FYH. Melted to perfection, by the way (which can be a challenge).
This one also has potatoes, because potatoes on pizza are awesome. I have no idea why all the pizza chains haven’t realized this yet. Usually when I have some FYH (shit’s expensive and not easy to find, or at least it wasn’t when I lived in Idaho and Wisconsin) I make some pineapple pizza right away because pineapple pizza is the best kind. Don’t even try to argue. The problem is that pizza with just sauce and pineapple seems kind of lonely so it’s a good application of fake cheese.
The great thing about pizza is that it’s actually really easy to make. Yeah, I know, there’s yeast and stuff, and kneading, and you have to wait for it to rise, and I’m not normally a patient person either, but if you just think ahead a little bit, you’re fine. Then you can make extra dough, stick it in the freezer, and the next time you want pizza it’s easy as pie (haha). Lately I’ve been using the crust recipe from Vegan with a Vengeance and it’s really good, though I also like the crust from a book my mom has called Pizza, Pasta, Panini.
Of course, if you’re a lazy mofo lots of pizza places have vegan crusts already. If you have an amazing friend who you pull all-nighters with perhaps you can order a pizza with green olives and garlic, hold the cheese, at 2 am and eat it while you write papers that are due the next day.
Yeah, that’s pizza crust in my hand. There’s a picture that shows the whole pizza but I look disgusting in it. Vanity before practicality.
Said friend is the most vegan-friendly omni I know. I’ve brainwashed her pretty well. She fully admits that cheeseless pizza pretty much tastes like normal pizza, it just doesn’t stay hot as long. You know why? Because that shitty mozzerella they use at most cheap pizza chains doesn’t even taste like anything! It tastes like grease! Just get some olives on your pizza because you need some salt on it somewhere and you’re going to be fine! You can even sprinkle nooch (nutritional yeast for the uninitiated) on it and it’s even more awesome. Then you can finish that damn philosophy paper and go to sleep at 6 am with a stomach ache because you just ate half a damn pizza. But imagine how much worse that stomach ache would have been if the pizza had cheese. Vegan pizza wins again.