On being kind of a pain in the ass

I know, I never post anymore. It’s mostly because I was going to start this other blog then I got this job that took up most of my time and somehow posting rants on the internet became a lower priority. I know, it’s weird.

Anyway, guess what happened? I went gluten-free.

I KNOW. I am a vegan cliche. I put spinach in my smoothies and I own like ten Herbivore T-shirts and I eat quinoa all the time even though I’m not even sure that I like it that much. And I stopped eating gluten. I swear it’s legit, my stomach was hurting, ok? My bowels are not really that much of your business but I swear I feel better.

Seriously, though, why do so many vegans go gluten-free? Is it because we’re more conscious of how our food makes us feel and more likely to realize that gluten is making us sick? Is it because we like the special attention inconvenient dietary needs bring us? Maybe some of both?

Speaking of inconvenience, well, let me tell you. First of all, I want to make it clear that obviously I can eat gluten without dying, as I was doing it for 23 years, and I don’t want to act like I know what it’s like to be celiac and be constantly vigilant about cross-contamination and stuff like that. And I’m sure seasoned gluten-free people are totally going to laugh at me. BUT.

Ok, you know when you’re with a group of people, and maybe you don’t know them that well, like you just met them or they’re your friend’s parents or something? And you all want something to eat and you’re doing the whole internal dialogue about whether you should speak up about somewhere where you can eat or whether you should just shut up and not feel entitled to choose the place just because you’re vegan? And you end up at a Mexican place that is just so authentic that everything has lard in it and you drink four margaritas for dinner and vomit on yourself? (Veganism: Getting you drunker faster at awkward social occasions since forever.)

Actually, that was a bad example, because margaritas are gluten-free (please, if they aren’t, just don’t tell me) and that would go down in exactly the same way now. My point is, even if the people you are with are super accommodating and like, yeah, let’s go to a vegan-friendly place, you have to be like, OH BUT THERE’S THIS OTHER THING.

Fortunately, the classic vegan restaurant meal, an iceberg salad, hold the cheese, hold the dressing, hold the croutons, is vegan AND gluten-free. So at least I’ve still got that.

At New Seasons I saw that you can get individual packets of gluten-free tamari, which I guess is so gluten-free people can bring their own soy sauce to restaurants. I was amused by the idea of going out for Thai food and, after asking about fish sauce, also being like, no soy sauce either, oh don’t worry, I brought my own in this packet. But I totally know people who bring nutritional yeast to restaurants. (I’m not quite that vegan.) I guess it’s similar.

On the bright side, I made this gluten-free chocolate shortbread and it is so awesome you would not believe it. And when I’m not eating out being gluten-free isn’t bad at all because I mostly ate gluten-free anyway. Because I’m a vegan cliche and it’s the hip thing to do. Everyone knows brown rice pasta is better than whole wheat pasta and eating white pasta is a moral failure. Or at least that’s what my mom taught me.

6 responses to “On being kind of a pain in the ass

  1. my main issue with trying to eat gluten free is that almost every breakfast-at-home option i want is bread. english muffins and Dave’s Killer bread toast. oh, and sandwiches in general. at least you’ve become gluten free in a time where it’s more common and a lot of restaurants are aware and there’s some options.

  2. yay! A new blog post.

    I love brown rice pasta, especially the stuff you can get in bulk from Grocery Outlet.

    And as a person who brings nutritional yeast to restaurants, I just have to say:
    Hells yes. It’s insta-cheese sauce for the dining-out-soul. Let’ s go out together sometime soon and i’ll show you how stupendous and neccessary it is.
    <3

  3. Pingback: East Side Deli | Stumptown Vegans

  4. oh dear. i wish i didn’t know what you mean. this really only comes up for me when our parents come to town and we have to go out to a fancy dinner where me and dazee order off the menu or call ahead. so i make dazee eat a xgfx meal, too. and he has to order it and I usually excuse myself from the table, because I hate being “the special dinner” person. but fuck it. i’d rather eat a salad and fries somewhere, so if they want to go out all fancy, i don’t feel bad making dazee do it. plus he does feel entitled and doesn’t mind. xo kittee

  5. Holy Hello. I went vegan two years ago. Then I insisted EVERYTHING be organic. Now I’m gluten free, and experimenting with raw (juicer + dehydrator is magic!). My four children and husband are looking into ads on Craiglist…Good mom to good home, OBO.

  6. I love your blog. I found it because I want a new t-shirt and googled…Vegan, Gluten-free, Organic, Raw…..Pain in the Ass!

    Know where I can get one?

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